I need to find a new hobby that doesn't involve my laptop and the internet for god sake. I can spend 199999999 hours in front of my laptop with a naggy mommy next to me. And I need to stop posting random post to my blog or sometimes playing my Sims Social on Facebook.
It's scary how I thing about the possibilities, about mistakes I've done. what if I didn't do this if I didn't do that what does it like if I was born as someone else how does it feel to be someone that is not me. Everything is so scary even if you only think about it.
I even think about the possibilities if i change myself, to be a fake, lovable ones. I kind of think how does it feel to have friends that really will cares about you so much, a mutual feeling, not only you getting all worried about them. I wonder how does it feel to become a popular kids too, sometimes, I wonder how does they maintain their popularity lolz.
And on top of that, I'm wondering, how does it feel to be dead? am I going to get better or worst in my death? if people will really cry when i'm gone, if they will feel something is changing if I'm dead. If my dead can gather my parents.
I'm alive, but I feel blank. I feel blank i sometime wondering why I am alive*?*
. I haven't passion, I even don't really have hopes. Idk what am I going to do in the future, I just do everything people want me to do. I have alot friends but I'm lonely. I have family but I never think one of them care enough with everything.
I wish that something can keep me busy. Sorry if there was a wrong grammar.
Labels: lol, not a suicidal notes
Have you ever had those reactions that scared you, not because they were crazy or unwise, but because they were so completely unexpected? I had one yesterday.
I was at the computer and I got some really good news, not anything life altering, or even very important in the long run, but it made me quite happy and I was relieved, and I thought to myself ” nothing will change this right now, I can relax. Then not ten minutes later something did change it. I found out someone I knew died. The person wasn’t family or a friend, just a passing aquaintece. It hit me harder than I would have expected, And I sobbed, I’m sure a lot of it was sadness at the loss of an almost-stranger. But I think the other half was being reminded of our mortality, I know I’ going to die, but I don’t really think about it too deeply, but this hit me hard. Less than a week brfore he was joking about finals, and he referred to the future. He had no idea he’d be dead less than five days later. I mean he was too young, healthy, and I saw him nearly every day, and I belived him to have been a good person. It seems wrong somehow. He had no warning.
I regret not getting to know him now, only because he’s dead. How screwed up is that? You think I’d be happy not to be suffering from the loss of a friend or mentor? Sorry for the bad english ~.~
Labels: diary, galau